Up until now I’ve been sharing the rosy side of my life but it hasn’t always been that way. There was a time in my life when I accepted that I was HIV positive I got ugly with anger. I was pissed. I was mad at everyone and most especially the world and I wanted to make sure you knew it.
Looking back I’m not proud of how I expressed my anger but you didn’t want to be around me. Not back then. The list of my anger was long.
I was angry that I let someone infect me and that I didn’t care enough about myself to protect myself.
I was angry that here I was in my twenties and the world was supposed to be open for me but instead I’m already thinking about death. I’m not supposed to be thinking of death so young.
I was angry because now in order to stay alive I had to swallow these damn pills, some as big as my thumb, some with food, some certain hours after eating food and some that when swallowed stayed stuck in my throat, refusing to go down as my body reacts by putting me through a spell of dry vomiting. And it was something I had to do everyday, morning and night. No break. It was hell and still sometimes it is hell to swallow up to 13 pills a day.
I was angry that I had to sit in the waiting room of an HIV clinic with strangers who had the bug, the only thing we had in common yet in my head I told myself, ‘I don’t have anything in common with you people’.
I was angry that no one could truly understand what I was going through. What my thought process was. And it seemed like when people did ask about me, it was always about my HIV and the typical question, “how do you feel?” Stop asking me that! Can’t I cough like a regular person without you planning my funeral.
I was angry because I couldn’t answer the question. “Why me?” What did I do that I got something that was now and forever going to be a part of my life.
I was angry at God. I was always a spiritual person but I felt he let me down and in response I gave him the silent treatment. I didn’t want to call on him for anything.
When you carry that much hate it comes out sideways, no matter how much you walk around pretending that things are okay. Unlike the person I am today I was a nasty person. I gossiped. I lied on people. I abused my body by having numerous random sexual encounters with people who I didn’t even bother to ask their names. I pushed people away from me. They were in the way of me building a wall around myself and I didn’t want them to stop me.
Building walls around yourself.
It will help you from being hurt but it also keeps you isolated, trapped behind walls alone with nothing but your anger to keep you company.
I eventually learned that my anger was hurting no one but me. Here i was thinking that I’m doing something to others but they’re not thinking about me, they’re living their lives while I stew away in my pool of misery. It’s like when a child throws a tantrum in the corner and you simply block out the noise, letting them cry their way through it. That’s how it was for me.
It took awhile but I called a truce on the anger I was carrying. For years my anger was walking ahead of me and I eventually got it to follow me instead. It became a lesson I shared with others who have been through traumatic experiences. Let your anger follow you and don’t let it lead you. But know you have a right to have your anger and it’s yours, so don’t let anyone take it from you.
The wonderful thing about God is that you can be spiteful, call out his name in disgust, turn your back on him, but he will always love you. I had so much anger but never thought to ask him to help take it away. You can’t get something if you don’t ask for it We all have to go through something to get somewhere and I’m proud to say that no more do I carry the burden of anger but have found my way back to love!!